Fuckery 101: The Two Swords—Discovery and Direction
The Book of Five Rings is one my favorite guides on leadership. It was written by Miyamoto Musashi, a sixteenth-century samurai who taught warriors to battle with both the short and the long sword. It’s one of those books you love or hate, depending on how you feel about quotes like, “The eyes are to be focused in such a way as to maximize the range and breadth of vision. Observation and perception are two separate things.” The term emotional intelligence had not been invented, yet the martial artist writes, “Unless you really understand others, you can hardly attain your own self-understanding.” Wisdom spans centuries and continents, and I’ve always enjoyed the challenge of connecting one craft to another.
I riffed on Musashi’s metaphor with my friend, Jon, playing with the idea of two swords required to fight fuckery. I have no interest in battle, but leadership requires honed skills and mastery of tools. The samurai teaches, “Efficiency and smooth progress, prudence in all matters, recognizing true courage, recognizing different levels of morale, instilling confidence, and realizing what can and cannot be reasonably expected.” Are these not skills for any era, on and off the battlefield? And so, using Austin Kleon’s advice to steal like an artist, we also layered Stephen Covey’s Fifth habit onto our evolving Musashi matrix: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” was another piece of the puzzle.
Discovery: The Short Sword
If fuckery equals habits that damage trust, the opposite also holds true. To defeat fuckery, we need to practice habits that create and maintain trust. The best way I know to do that is through a process called Discovery. There are tangible results whenever we use this tool. It reveals motivation, underscores collaboration, and develops leaders. Leadership and Discovery are synonymous with learning.
Discovery is asking questions to learn about people, what they want, and why they want it. In the words of the Dalai Lama (or J.P. McEvoy—no one seems to know for sure): “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something.” Whoever said it, it’s good advice: shut up and listen.
The leader’s short sword is Discovery. It asks you to step closer and listen. Paying attention is key, as is patience and curiosity. This requires you to engage all your senses and practice the art of questions. It calls for relationship and permission. The short sword is precise in nature and primarily seeks to understand. Mastering it allows you to intuit what goes unsaid and anticipate what cannot yet be seen.
The interplay of relationship and Discovery is remaining curious about the people who are part of your work life. Relationship creates familiarity. Familiarity allows both parties to search for common interests. As common interests emerge, the degree of information-sharing increases. All of this builds trust, and trust is the foundation for both communicating effectively and rooting out fuckery.
Cultivating and maintaining relationships is not an afterthought. Commit to learning about your colleagues, customers, and employees at every opportunity. Resist the urge to tell them about you, and do not tell them what to do. Instead, ask questions about them. Look for connections. Figure out their values. Uncover interests and hobbies.
Understanding this means you’re no longer selling a product, running a business, or managing people. You’re forming relationships, defining needs, and determining if you can address those needs. This is far more valuable and way more fun than trying to sell something or giving an employee’s performance review.
Direction: The Long Sword
Ever since we were toddlers we’ve been inserting our needs and standing our ground. No! was one of the first words we used, learning to establish boundaries. Unfortunately, many of us are stuck in reflexiveness, refusing to understand another perspective. We recognize that it’s poor form to stomp your feet and declare, “Mine!” in the office, but we’ve fine tuned ways to mark our territory, hoard resources, and dig our heels in, haven’t we? How’s that working out?
If the short sword is about receiving information and building relationships, the long sword is about stating an intended outcome and directing action.
Direction is about more than expressing our opinions and telling people what to do. It’s clarifying roles and responsibilities, setting priorities, and removing the obstacles that threaten success. The long sword establishes timelines and processes through facilitation and focus. Without clear Direction, teams flounder and fail to execute.
Standing back and swinging a long sword is both energy-consuming and imprecise. Direction has its place, but not as a singular approach. The long sword, seeking to be understood, works best once you’ve established a relationship and committed to listening first. Sequence matters.
Making decisions and providing solutions are necessary skills for any leader; respect is earned when results and consistency reign. Direction is used to define strategy, advise, and establish accountability. It adds structure to create the boundaries employees need to feel safe; the long sword protects and defends.
Knowing the long sword has the potential to draw blood, it is used with care, never recklessly. In times of crisis, when urgency is high and action is needed, wise leaders use Direction with caution and counsel. One’s title does not determine the ability to wield the long sword responsibly nor grant permission to misuse it for personal gain. This sword is dangerous in the hands of amateurs, harmful in the presence of hubris.
Understanding the power of the long sword is a matter of integrity. It can oppress or liberate. Direction towards a shared goal drives belonging and momentum—or fuckery and destruction. It’s long history of use by land-owning white men set a precedent for who gets to use the long sword and who does not. Race, gender, and class have long-defined access to this leadership tool and what Direction looks and sounds like. Bear this in mind when you feel its weight in your own hands—this is privilege—and when you judge how it’s carried by others.
Communication Matrix: The Path to Assertiveness
For those of you weary of the Musashi metaphor, I present a two-by-two matrix. The Communication Matrix identifies the result of varying Discovery and Direction in our relationships:
Communication Matrix, from the book Fuckery. © copyright Lori Eberly & Jonathan Sabol.
Ignore the words in the boxes for a minute and look at the axes. You see Discovery, the short sword, on the y-axis.
Do you have a pattern of asking questions?
Are you able to be quiet long enough to make observations and really listen?
Do you skillfully build relationships?
Assess if you’re low or high on the y-axis - be honest
Now look at the horizontal Direction line, the long sword:
Do you have a pattern of advocating a position?
Are you known for driving action and committing to decisions?
Do you skillfully clarify roles and responsibilities?
Are you low or high on the x-axis?
The Quadrants
Physical and psychological safety influence our ability to pick up and use either sword. Our hardwiring in the face of threat predicts and explains our preference for Discovery or Direction. Personal history shapes our capacity to trust and informs which sword will aid in survival.
Context is everything. All of your identities, geography, and the industry you work in will greatly impact how communication is perceived and labeled. For example, Lori, a white 46-year old woman in Portland working in tech will carry her swords differently— and generate a different response—than the Black thirty-something queer financial advisor in Manhattan.
Nothing about this matrix is static. You are a dynamic individual, working amidst human beings who are unpredictable. How you communicate at home might differ than how you communicate at work. How you show up with your peers in the lunch room is different than how you present in the Ops review to the CEO.
I’ve found that people can typically identify when they land in the Passive or Aggressive quadrant. It’s harder to admit we ever put a foot in the lower left quadrant, because that is the quadrant of Shame. Who wants to admit when they’re Passive-Aggressive? We claim we dwell squarely in the upper-right corner, but the reality is, few of us do consistently.
High Discovery skills tend towards self-awareness and contemplation; these folks know they’re good at listening, asking questions, and earning trust. They also know they’re slow to pick up the long sword, afraid to draw too much attention, and slow to take action. These leaders are sometimes described as timid, live in their heads, and seek harmony or certainty. Overthinking, Conflict Avoidance, and People Pleasing threaten their leadership; inertia paralyzes. The Passive quadrant is my retreat when I lack the confidence to pick up the long sword.
Can you feel the curiosity that lives here? Have you experienced this thoughtfulness - or hesitation? Why might you fall into a Passive communication style?
Those with high skills in Direction are driver-types, quick to action and unafraid of ruffling feathers along the way. This unflinching pursuit is perceived as an Aggressive communication style. The use of the long sword focuses on performance and achieving results. These leaders are sometimes described as harsh, live with a sense of urgency, and seek compliance and movement. Dominating, Short Cuts and Interrupting others threaten their leadership when fear ensues. Those in this quadrant need to pause and seek input from others; more Discovery is needed.
Can you feel that pace, the pulsing power? Have you experienced that rush? Or that freight train?Who can get away with an Aggressive communication style—and who is penalized for it due to gender, racial, or other non-dominant culture discrimination?
I define Passive-Aggressive communication as buried hostility. In his article “The Secrets to Handling Passive-Aggressive People,” George Dvorsky writes, “Passive-aggressive behavior was first documented during the Second World War when it was used to describe soldiers who refused to comply with their officers’ demands.” That sounds terrible—who wants to own that behavior?
When we’re stuck in this quadrant, both swords are on the ground; we aren’t listening or setting the course. We prefer Complaining over asking questions and Making Excuses over taking ownership. This is not the place of leadership; it is the home of defeat. This is where we lick our wounds, sink into depression, retreat from the world. If we linger too long, Resentment seeps in to inhibit Discovery. Defensiveness replaces Direction, self-loathing strangles solutions. Martyrs and Victims live here, communicating with the Silent Treatment, Eye-rolling and Snarky Comments. The outcome is disconnection and disorder.
Can you feel that weight? Do you know this space? When do you fall into Passive-Aggressive communication?
Assertive communication is the result of beautifully calibrating the Discovery and Direction vectors. These leaders understand the value of the short sword and use it with great intention. They discern when the long sword is needed, and use it without drawing blood. Moving with ease between their swords, Assertive leaders are described as confident, balancing perceptions of both warmth and competence. They seek engagement with others, which yields high influence and earns loyalty. When they break trust, as we all do, they apologize, admit to their mistakes, and are unafraid to ask for help. They are both respectful and respected for their radical candor, defining communication that is, as Kim Scott suggests, the magical combination of “caring personally” and “challenging directly.”
Assertive communication patterns consistently use the swords in a way that first seeks to understand and then seeks to be understood, weaving the wisdom of Musashi and Covey together. Sequence and context are continually assessed. Humility guides equally with confidence in a dance that is never performative but always purposeful. Assertive leaders are masters of reducing fuckery.
Have you felt that resonance internally? Do you know leaders skilled with both swords? How do you experience Assertive communication?
Pick up your swords
With charts in hand, plot your course to being Assertive.
Determine your default quadrant. Which direction do you need to go? Which sword will take you there?
Evaluate when you need Discovery. Practice asking questions and listening to build relationships with people, to understand their needs, why they are important, and how they will feel if achieved. Can you help them find their path instead of telling them what to do?
Assess when Direction is required. Practice advocating a position, defining strategy, and clarifying roles and responsibilities. Offer solutions and risk failure. Can you drive action in a collaborative way?
You’ll find additional uses for the Swords here. Pick a few skills that need practice to improve your Assertive communication.
“As the saying goes, the fast one stumbles and fails to get there on time. Of course, being too slow and too late is also bad. The performance of an expert seems relaxed but does not leave any gaps. The actions of trained people do not seem rushed. The principle of the Way can be known from these illustrations.”
1 George Dvorsky, “The Secrets to Handling Passive-Aggressive People,” iO9, March 25, 2016.
The above is an excerpt from Fuckery. Cowritten with Jonathan Sabol, the book is a guided process designed to help you reclaim lost productivity, repair disabled communication, and root out whatever threatens success.
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To host a Book Club or schedule a workshop, contact Lori at lori@radiusecd.com