Redefining Self-Care
Caring about and caring for others without first caring for ourselves is not sustainable. Even during the best of times, self-care is an important life skill—and sadly, it is one that is often overlooked, underdeveloped, and disrespected. But what exactly IS self care and why are we hearing so much about it these days?
I majored in Social Work as an undergraduate in 1991. That means I’ve been schooled in, preached at, and practicing self-care for nearly thirty years. I’ve logged hundreds of hours with supervisors and clinicians to assess my compassion fatigue. I’ve sat in countless circles with other helping professionals, sharing my grief and acknowledging the weight of stories I carry. I’ve explored and exposed my “unfinished work,” old wounds, and transference, followed the tentacles of client trauma into the dark corners of my own. It is impossible, as an empath, to be present and hold space for others if I’m not committed to the ongoing support to understand my own psyche.
Ongoing self-care requires vulnerability and discomfort. It’s raw and unnerving. Why do I do it? It is the price of self-awareness, the where and how those so-called soft skills grow. Self-care is the responsibility of any clinician to keep our own messy lives from entangling with the messy lives of clients. Self-care is how I keep myself accountable, to myself, and to every person I’ve worked with for thirty years. It’s the only way to hold the emotions and experiences of every individual who pays me to listen—first as a social worker and now as an executive coach.
Demystifying Self-Care
Every coaching assessment I do includes questions about the daily housekeeping of nutrition, sleep, and regular physical movement; these are critical components of self-care. If you don’t care for your brain and body, how the hell are you gonna care for your employees?
Evaluating a leader’s hobbies and social ties is not me being nosy, it’s feedback on whether or not they incorporate mental, social, and emotional priorities into their well-being. It provides data on how much of their identity is tied to their job and what resources they bring to their leadership. The answers I’m given contain information I’ll integrate into their professional development plan because, yes, how you spend your weekends and who you consider in your circle connects to the way you lead.
Puttering in my yard keeps me sane. Backpacking with my family brings me joy. Walking helps me think. All those are elements of self-care, too—the fun parts. We all need activities that connect us to ourselves and others, but these practices don’t compensate for the gritty truth-finding of self-reflection or the commitment to expand our window of tolerance. Self-care, as I understand it, is about seeking comfort when we need it, and also the capacity to sit in discomfort when that process leads to growth.
Self-Care: More than Mere Buzzword
Suggestions for surviving a pandemic and The Return to Normal abound. Sure, we need reminders to cut ourselves some slack. It’s fine to consider coping skills and strategies to mitigate anxiety. Being stuck inside impacts our mental health. Getting laid off or shutting down our business sends us reeling. We haven’t been able to go to the gym or get a massage or see the acupuncturist, all elements of taking care of ourselves. All of this matters and during times of duress, it’s insufficient.
The problem with self-care occurs when we fail to understand its entirety, limiting a self-care practice to what makes us feel good in the moment, the whole bubble bath and pedicure BS. The problem with self-care is when we are deceived into thinking it’s about privilege and performance. You’ll find a world of fuckery in the self-care industry, the result of any good thing tainted by toxic capitalism.
I’m not interested in any of that. Neither is Della Rae, Director of The Oregon Women’s Health Network (OWHN), a trusted women’s empowerment agency and purveyors of #RealTalk. Della Rae is a leader who’s been at this self-care thing long before it was trendy and with a passion that’s got nothing to do with dollar signs and everything to do with advocacy. For over twelve years, she’s been committed to advancing women’s self-agency as an advocate, event producer, and author of “Little Book of Self-Care.” And while her focus is on women, her wisdom applies to all of us.
Self-Care, Defined
#REALTALK WITH
DELLA RAE
[Lori Eberly]: Della you are the go-to on this subject. How do you think about self-care?
[Della Rae]: Self-care is often understood primarily as external activities you do to take care of yourself; I focus on the inner work. Because of that, I’m moving away from using the term “self-care” and replacing it with “self-agency,” the ability to realize the influence you have over your own life and be effective in order to take action and responsibility for it.
[LE]: I love that definition. Why is this distinction important?
[DR]: Self-agency promotes study of self, who we are, learning to play the cards we have been dealt and here is a biggie: trusting ourselves. Whereas self-care tends to be more about external actions and what we do to take care of ourselves. See the difference?
This Tina Lifford quote sums it up, "When you know yourself you are empowered. When you accept yourself you are invincible.”
[LE]: I see clients torn between those false choices—play it passive, giving up personal needs for everyone else’s or demanding their own needs at any cost. As if it’s binary or without context.
[DR]: Women have been conditioned to operate from false choices and to perpetuate them. Those same choices usually do not include prioritizing self. Rarely are we versed in living our values. Most prominently, women are taught to be martyrs at all costs.
Think about how we are rewarded for studying everything and anything outside of ourselves. Now think about the innate benefits of self-study especially when navigating personal and professional relationships.
[LE]: Self-study is the foundation of Radius because I absolutely believe that knowing who we are—our strengths and our bad habits—is at the core for how we navigate our personal and professional relationships. To be a good leader is to know who we are. I think our businesses are centered on that core value.
How long have you been thinking about this self-agency stuff?
[DR]: My sister and I launched a nonprofit twelve years ago. It was incredibly successful and brought with it more accolades than ever imaginable. I was running everywhere all of the time and became accustomed to the question “How do you do it all?” Little did I know at the time that such comments were not a compliment. I lacked the ability to connect the simple fact that accolades and accomplishments are great and groovy, but what really matters is how we think and feel about ourselves. Full stop.
[LE]: Ah, the hamster wheel meets obligation. It’s easy for leaders to get sucked into that trap.
[DR]: The first thing, Lori, is we have got to learn to say, “No” without apology or excuses. The more you give the more people expect. Secondly, walk your talk. It takes a lot of practice. But you have to ask yourself, “If I say no, what will happen?” Play that out. If the person you say no to will not respect your boundary, why would you give your power to them? The people that we tend to respect the most are the ones with boundaries on full display.
[LE]: I never really thought about it like that. I’m going to start looking for that boundary story. I certainly see that on full display with you. You have this gift for creating safe, welcoming places to be, and part of that is the explicit permission you give to sit and relax. In fact, it’s not just permission, it’s instruction. It’s like you ask everyone you meet to take a seat over by the fire. “Lay your burdens down and stay awhile,” radiates from you.
[DR]: The ultimate in self-agency and empowerment is the essential skill of being okay with you. This is modeled at every OWHN event: you can walk into our space, sit down, relax, and not worry about anything. We don’t force you to talk. We don’t ask you to hold hands or answer a bunch of questions. You can come and go as you please.
Lori, what I want women to practice is asking themselves three simple questions:
Who are you?
What do you value and why?
Why do you care what others think of you?
[LE]: Those are powerful questions. And highly subjective.
[DR]: There is no one size fits all to any of this. It’s a big red flag when self-care enthusiasts try to tell you how to take care of yourself. I cannot tell you what you need, only you have the answers. I simply ask questions to get the wheels turning.
[LE]: That’s so respectful, to trust people to arrive at their own conclusions. This is the job of a coach or a mentor, though, right? I think some people want a recipe—clear steps to follow to feel good about themselves. There are people offering self-care products and philosophies with empty promises. Do you have suggestions on discerning the good and the bad?
[DR]: Look at what they're teaching. How does the way they string their words make you feel? Do you align with the messaging? Know that offerings at the time may be just what you need, yet change at a later date.
[LE]: Della, the way you string your words makes me feel enamored. And you’re spot on, that our needs change and evolve. Knowing ourselves means we understand when that happens. What do you have to say about how we honor our needs and care for ourselves during a pandemic?
[DR]: That work is tenfold if you haven’t asked, “Who am I?” before now. If you have no answers to that question, the reopening or Target is not going to provide what you need. This is one helluva time to begin the inner work.
The anxiety and fear so many of us are facing right now is not indicative of a mental health problem. It makes sense. Self-agency calls us to address those fears. Ask yourself what, specifically, are you afraid of? That you’ll lose your job? That you can’t pay your bills? Ok. What is the likelihood of that? Are you willing to go toe to toe with those fears and see what’s up?”
[LE]: There you go again, Della, dropping questions like some people drop f-bombs.
[DR]: I am no-woo, straightforward, and hold accountability in high esteem.
[LE]: Some of us need that—the cold water in the face. I totally value that in you. And yet you lead with love and generosity and an enormous amount of compassion. How do you remain patient with people who avoid the inner work, the folks who aren’t ready for the real talk you cultivate?
[DR]: I don’t take it personally. Other people's stuff is none of my business. One of the single largest emotional traps we continuously get caught in is allowing what others say and do to trip us up.
The anxiety and fear so many of us are facing right now is not indicative of a mental health problem. It makes sense. Self-agency calls us to address those fears. Ask yourself what, specifically, are you afraid of?