The Gift of Duality: Welcome It All
This is your reminder that either/or thinking is a trait of white supremacy culture. I promise, we’re more complicated than that. You are capable of both/and thinking. We are not binary. We are complex, multifaceted, multidimensional beings. The words of the Persian Poet, Jalāl ad-Dīn Rūmī ring as true today as they did over 700 years ago:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.—Translated by Coleman Barks
It’s Saturday morning, and I’ve been alone with my thoughts and my latte while I dice carrots, onions, and celery. My friend, Nikki, says that being creative helps quiet the mind when we’re stuck in limbo, trapped in nervous energy about things beyond our control. Cooking Grandma Shank’s chicken corn soup keeps my hands busy and my mind focused. Nostalgia + warm soup in the bellies of your family = good medicine for hard times.
I was born an optimist, able to see the best in both people and situations. That’s my default. Maybe aging naturally shifts that ratio to include more cynicism, allows skepticism to move in and occupy a bit more space. Maybe that would have happened anyway, without four years of Trump. Without daily protests in Portland against police brutality and callous disregard and disrespect for Black bodies. As ignorance is replaced with harsh truth, as we struggle to identify the privilege and power that have kept us safe and protected, I lost my grip on blind hopefulness, but I never lost it entirely.
Radical acceptance as self-care
If we are to heal the division in this country, we must address the polarizing thoughts in our own heads. If I can't embrace the both/and of my own emotions, then I cannot listen with curiosity to the thoughts and feelings you share with me.
Are your emotions and thoughts neatly stacked in columns? Are they as divided as this country? Or do you feel both relief and fear? Can fatigue and a second wind occupy the same space? What’s it like to be horrified that millions of Americans—ahem, millions of our white friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family— see Trump fit to remain President and recognize how monumental this election was for our democracy?
If you’re anything like me, my friends, and the leaders who confide in me, you may feel tired in your bones and have the perseverance to keep showing up. You can be irritable and frustrated with everyone around you and access a level of compassion you didn’t have until 2020.
I have days of low concentration, no focus, and absolute overwhelm; I’m betting you do, too. I stay in my pajamas all day, don’t get out and walk, and binge Grey’s Anatomy with my daughter, heaping despair on those bowls of ice cream. I bicker with my husband, go days without showering, drink too much wine and doom scroll all too often. (If you’re not there yet, there’s always tomorrow.)
People are calling in sick to work with greater regularity (or losing their jobs entirely). We’re withdrawing. Economic insecurity and fear is consuming. Parents are exhausted from teaching their kids. Activists are weary from being in the streets that Black folx are still being killed in. We’re stir crazy. We’re anxious. We’re over it.
And still…we can exchange guilt for gratitude. We can also sit with both of these experiences.
We can wonder what happened to our passion, feel utterly disconnected from our work and our purpose, and go for a hike in the wilderness and reconnect to Self, if only for an hour.
We can feel driven, motivated, and ambitious, weathering all 2020 threw at us like we were made for this. Maybe your business is booming, you just found the love of your life, or I don’t know…amazing opportunities and wild success are part of our stories. I can feel happy for you and jealous as hell. I can love you deeply and not want to see your face for three days. But I know this: we must stop trying to make our feelings or our lives neat and tidy. We can’t Marie Kondo our way through this.
Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop qualifying. Stop excusing. Just stop. Stop for 5 minutes.
What happens if you pause for one minute and pay attention to your breathing? You don’t have to shift it or change it or take deep breaths—unless that feels really yummy. Sit tall, or stand up, maybe even put one hand on your belly and one hand on your heart. I’ll do it with you.
Notice the inhale. Notice the exhale. Don’t force anything.
Want to close your eyes or soften your gaze? Go for it. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Is your mind flooded with thoughts? Okay. Not a problem. Totally empty? Doesn’t matter. Your only job is to notice what’s true in this moment. Drop the storyline.
Whatever you’re feeling, whatever comes up, whatever is happening in your life…can you meet it with curiosity and ask judgement to wait in the back corner? Try it.
Welcome…whatever
Welcome any mood you’re in. You can be pissy or miserable or depressed or elated or ALL those things. Whatever arises, whatever is present, don’t judge it. We can move in between states of wild distraction and moments of calm. Nothing is static. One minute our nervous system is highly activated, scanning for threat. Maybe we drop into conservation mode. Wherever we are we can learn the skills to regulate our nervous system to a place of safety and connection.
Need help getting there? Here’s a simple five-minute practice to help you shift from judgment and activation to acceptance and “okay-ness”.
Prompts for Sitting with Duality
If you’re the journaling type, maybe you want to grab a pen and paper and write out your responses. You could also read over a question, put on your sneakers, and go for a walk while you process it. Lots of us learn best by talking through ideas with others. You do you.
Notice your thoughts: What thoughts are on repeat in your head? Can you find a pattern or theme? Are they scattered and all over the map? Which get the most attention? Which are neglected?
Set a timer for 5 minutes. Do a deep dive into exploring everything you’re feeling about the election? (Fill in the blank with your choice: COVID, my job, my life, my relationship with X, etc.) Don’t edit, just purge. What do you notice?
Ask yourself: What thoughts or feelings do I have that I reject or hide? Do any of them get labeled “bad” or “negative?” Do any of them trigger guilt or shame? What happens if I allow myself to be curious about them instead of judgmental or condemning? What would happen if I welcomed them all?
Consider the people in your life. Who consistently helps to create calm and connection in my nervous system? Why? Am I able to openly share opposing thoughts and feelings with this person? Why or why not?
Explore your creative needs. Which people or experiences help me feel creative and curious? Why is that? How can I prioritize those people and activities?
Photo by Stefan Stefancik from Pexels