Find Your Fuckery in the Mirror
“There are three kinds of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, those who do not see.” —LEONARDO DA VINCI
Writing a book is a Bucket List achievement. Co-writing a book with your colleague is a crash course in how your own fuckery gets in your way. It tests what you think about yourself, how you respond to feedback, and why you'd take on such an arduous task. Publishing Fuckery was an accomplishment; friendship and greater self-awareness were the rewards.
One of the reasons Jon and I collaborate so well is because we possess both the will and the skill to hold a mirror up to each other. This involves risk and danger. We can wield those Discovery swords without taking an eye out because we’ve put in the hours to cement our relationship. You don’t get to be a mirror without a high level of trust, an established relationship, and an intuitive ability to know when to ask the right kind of feeling-based questions. Mirror-holding also requires assertiveness and respect, developed while balancing Discovery and Direction. Get that part wrong and you’ll draw blood.
We’ve tested this over many years. The first time I dared to hold the mirror was telling Jon to knock off his God complex. That could have gone poorly, but his trust in me allowed my comment to land as an observation instead of an insult. He interpreted it as Assertive instead of Aggressive. He returned the favor later, while we were writing this book.
Someone had recently pissed me off, drawing my focus elsewhere, and I wasn’t present. I tried Compartmentalizing and Stuffing Anger away, which are my standard fuckery techniques. Jon saw right through it. He asked a series of potent questions in a way that was at first irritating, almost blinding. When my family goes camping, my son often forgets his headlight is on, blasting his light into my eyes at close range. This felt the same way. Jon wasn’t holding up a torch, though. He was holding up a mirror.
Light in your eye just to annoy you = fuckery.
Light in your eye to remove something that’s impairing your vision = mirror.
Mirrors are crucial tools to increase self-awareness, which requires tedious and demanding mental work. For the leader, self-awareness is an ongoing understanding of our communication patterns and how we enhance and damage trust. Without this knowledge, we cannot reduce our own fuckery.
Jon’s questions, honed with practice and permission, provided clarity and perspective. His careful use of the short sword:
Connected me to buried hostility. (I was being Passive-Aggressive.)
Evoked an emotional response. (He asked feeling-based questions.)
Illuminated something I was refusing to see. (His Discovery made self-discovery possible.)
The specifics of the conversation are lost to me because that’s what threat does—it throws us right into autopilot. Jon wasn’t the threat to me that day, but that flashlight-in-the-eye experience of facing what I was avoiding evoked a fear response. Facing what we are avoiding, in a mirror held by someone we trust, will cause an emotional reaction.
I can spend a lot of energy avoiding a painful emotional experience: this is what drives my own fuckery, and likely, yours. I already mentioned Compartmentalizing and Stuffing Anger. One of my other “favorite” forms of fuckery is Intellectualization, so I marched up to the whiteboard and laid out my story with drawings and charts, citing research and science. Hiding behind statistics feels safe.
Jon didn’t buy it. If I thought he was out to get me, I’d hate to be on the receiving end of his focus. During our conversation, sometimes he’d align with me, other times he’d play devil’s advocate. It was in this maneuvering that I understood how Jon’s tactics have been described as Cornering—classic fuckery—but he genuinely wasn’t doing that here. I felt trapped, but not by him. I was trapped by what his questions forced me to see. His Discovery generated an internal dialogue that played in a loop: “Lori, you are a hypocrite. Lori, you are out preaching courage and truth-telling and refusing to do it yourself. How can you Avoid Conflict? What happened to being Assertive? Where is your confidence?” I could have been furious with him, but that would have just been Misplaced Anger—more fuckery.
When Jon gave explicit advice, he labeled it: “I’m directing now, Lori.” Owning your use of the long sword is very powerful. It’s unfuckery. Here’s why:
It showed self-awareness. Jon recognized that he’d moved out of Discovery and was giving advice, which is always Direction. This communicated transparency.
It was honest and respectful. It named the sort of communication he was providing. It gave me, the listener, a heads-up that his pacing and intention were about to change. It was almost like saying, “I know you’re pretty emotionally charged and worked up right now. I’m about to make a suggestion, so take it or leave it.”
It gave me an opportunity to say, “I don’t want your advice. I didn’t ask for it.” This helps to balance power and set a boundary. In our relationship there is an equal distribution of power, but in that moment, he was the one asking the questions. He was the one with a more objective view; I was totally clouded by emotional reactivity. He was the one with the mirror, seeking permission to use it. He who holds the mirror holds the power.
Teachable moments are important, but not fun. They hurt. We go to great lengths to avoid our blind spots. The only reason Jon got away with his mirroring is because of our relationship and my willingness to look in. I allowed him to question and probe because, uncomfortable as I was, I knew he had nothing to gain. I permitted his Discovery and Direction because I knew there were pieces I was missing. What did I see in that mirror? Months later, his questions still haunt me:
“Lori, do you know what it’s like to feel powerful?”
Pause.
“Do you know how addicting that is?”
Pause.
A pregnant pause with Jon Sabol is a full nine-month gestation period. If I’d answered, “No,” I would have been lying. If I’d answered, “Yes,” I’d have had to admit that I’m not so different from my offender. Those questions knocked me right off my high horse.
There was only one answer. “Yes, Jon, I do know what that’s like.”
Those words defused my outrage. That connection shifted me from being a victim to remembering how blinding power can feel, how deliciously selfish. All my anger was about feeling powerless, about feeling used and unheard. The long sword had cut deep; positional power shuns the short sword, is not such a good listener. I had plenty of cause, no shortage of reasons to be unhappy. My fuckery? I was telling the wrong person.
That’s the power of a mirror.
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Mirror Mirror
Mirrors are crucial tools to increase self-awareness, which requires tedious and demanding mental work. For the leader, self-awareness is an ongoing understanding of our communication patterns and how we enhance and damage trust. Without this knowledge, we cannot reduce our own fuckery.
You have three models to choose from: Self Mirror, Supported Mirror, and Professional Mirror. (Each of these roles is outlined in Fuckery.) Few of us have the ability to be a Self Mirror, though regular reflection hones this emotional intelligence skill. Some of us are lucky enough to find a Supported Mirror—someone like Jon is to me—that person who has earned your trust and can give it to you straight. Professional Mirrors, like therapists or coaches, are paid to point out what you can’t or won’t see.
You can pick any mirror you want. Like any product, test for quality. Assess supply and cost. You can’t use a Supported Mirror if you don’t know where to find one, and you can’t purchase a Professional one if it’s beyond your means. A Self Mirror works if you invest the time and wrestle with questions like the ones below. Much like any mirror, clean off any smudges and ensure lighting and placement is adequate. Shadows, whatever they may be, distort the image.
Application
How do you learn about yourself?
Who are you a mirror for? Why is that person open to your feedback?
If you could select anyone to be your mirror, who would it be? Why?
What is your single most important area for professional development?
How do you respond to and integrate feedback and constructive criticism?
The above contains an excerpt from the book Fuckery. Cowritten with Jonathan Sabol, the book is a guided process designed to help you reclaim lost productivity, repair disabled communication, and root out whatever threatens success.
